“So how do you feel about me kissing you good night?” he asked.
She flashed an inviting smile before replying, “I guess I wouldn’t be opposed to it.”
He stepped in, his nose touching hers, before kissing her straight on. She tilted her head to her right. He tilted his to his left. She tilted hers farther in an effort to justify the situation. He tilted his farther.
She pulled back, but he moved in for another kiss. Realizing he wasn’t picking up on her subtle clues, she decided to go with the flow and tilt her head to the left. It was weird.
She again attempted to, er, right the situation by tilting her head to the right. This time, he placed a hand on either side of her head and purposefully tilted her head to the left.
Although there is definitely something to be said for a man who takes control of a situation and offers guidance and instruction, it’s different when it’s guidance to something that isn’t clicking.
Never, in all my extensive kissing career, have I encountered a left tilter. I’ve kissed men in other countries, so I knew this wasn’t some kind of international tilt.
Wondering if I’d been missing out on the new Fifty Shades of Tilting, I took it upon myself to extensively poll my girlfriends. Not a single gal had heard of such a thing — although I still have one friend out doing some extra legwork to research the topic.
I decided to take it to the next level and text the guy.
“Are you left handed?” I asked.
“No. Why?” came his simple response.
I had to know if he’d successfully trained every woman he’d been with to tilt to the left, and now these exes were prancing around confusing other men with their left tilt, so I asked.
“Ha!” came his light-hearted reply. “I think I’d usually tilt to the right; but, due to my over-talking, I haphazardly tilted left.”
I thought a moment. So it was an accident? How could that be? After I’d tried so hard to, er, right the situation, he’d purposefully placed his hands on my head and moved it to the wrong side. He’d then proceeded to hold it in place like I was starring in my own version of Fifty Shades of Left Tilting. All I needed was a quick spank and a trip to The Red Room to take it home.
When I didn’t readily respond, he followed up with, “I’ve been told fifty times I’m a good kisser and can kiss better, but sometimes it takes a couple tries.”
Since we’re not in our twenties, I hesitate to believe any of us need a couple tries to get it right anymore. However, I’m no quitter. My parents were teachers, so I’m probably pretty good at teaching the correct technique. I guess I’ll give him another chance. If nothing else, teaching him to tilt right is my little chance to make the world, at least his world, a little bit better place.
The Tunnels and Devil’s Elbow are both available in audiobook format at http://www.audible.com/pd/Mysteries-Thrillers/The-Tunnels-Audiobook/B01NCNA6YW/ref=a_search_c4_1_12_srTtl?qid=1482881799&sr=1-12.