One of my friends asked me to blog about guys over forty who are bad kissers. After the age of forty, guys should have this skill mastered, and I felt the age qualification would limit me too much, so I decided to go with bad kissers in general.
As someone who has been dating and kissing guys a long time, I’ve got to say that my best kiss was when I was seventeen, and it came from a guy two years younger. It was soft and pure and sweet and, well, clean. He really had it down. However, he wasn’t the first guy I kissed. The first guy I kissed slimed me. I had saliva all over my lower face – and not because he was aiming for anything but my mouth.
Sadly, this was not my worst kissing encounter of all time. I think my worst kissing encounter came about fifteen years ago when a guy went to kiss me good night at the end of a first date. He walked me up to my front porch, stood next to the porch light so all of the neighborhood could see, and gave me a trite peck on the lips. Then he curled his tongue into a tube and flicked the end of my nose with it. I was too shocked to move. I imagine he thought I liked it because he continued to lick my nose and try to put his tongue up a nostril. Did I mention this was on my lit front porch so everyone in the neighborhood could see? Maybe he was trying to kiss me like an Eskimo and misunderstood how they did it. Maybe it was dome doggie fetish. Maybe I had boogers in my nose and he wanted them. Who knows. But that was my weirdest kiss. Needless to say, I went inside and hosed my nose down with rubbing alcohol, and there was no second date.
One of my friends said she experienced a “blender kiss.” Never heard of it? Me neither, so don’t feel bad. It’s when a guy swoops in, shoves his tongue into your mouth, and swirls it around really fast. Sexy, huh? Not.
Another weird encounter she had was a guy would kiss totally normally, then he’d just stop and not move. Then, after a long pause, he flicked his tongue at her lips like a lizard. At first she thought it was an accident, but then he did it two more times, and she decided to flick herself away from him.
I had a similar encounter with a stripper I picked up at my girlfriend’s bachelorette party. Let me just say that he was big, beefy, and h-o-t. He would do a couple of regular kisses and then stop and just sit there an inch from my lips. If I leaned in for more, he’d move back. When I opened my eyes to peek out at what was going on, he was sitting there with his eyes closed as if mustering the strength for another kiss. I had things to do, why couldn’t he just move it along? Maybe he was a vampire, and he was fighting an inner battle whether or not to suck my blood. Maybe he forgot what he was doing in the middle of it. Maybe I should have had a breath mint. Now that I think about it, being a stripper is a perfect occupation for a vampire.
I dated one guy who would kiss me like my grandmother with three trite pecks and then stop and repeat. When I suggested we go for five in a row with a little tongue, he couldn’t comprehend it. I dated a guy with a no kissing policy. When I told a guy friend about it, he said, “Who wouldn’t want to kiss you?” I responded with, “I know! Sometimes even I want to kiss me!” Wait…
There are a lot of different guys that kiss a lot of different ways, and maybe some are trying to put a new spin on an old classic, but maybe some things are best perfected in their most basic form. I don’t think I’ve ever felt with anyone else the sweet, soft tingles I felt from the guy when I was seventeen – and I’m not talking about the guy who slimed me. A guy I’m infatuated with can kiss me, and I may feel nothing inside. A guy I decide to “mercy kiss” and throw him a bone may be the one that totally floats my boat. But that’s the kind of cool thing about a kiss…it’s always a surprise.
If you haven’t read Nine Days In Greece, it’s only .99 on Amazon Kindle right now, and that’s almost FUH-REEEEEE! If you’ve read it and want to hear more of the story between Katie and Costas, check out Risking The Nine Days, also available on Amazon Kindle. Coming soon is Before the Nine Days, a prequel to Nine Days In Greece.