I was speaking to a man yesterday who said that he always meets women that are in a loop. A loop is where they carry the issues from an early-on defunct relationship forward with them. They do this by applying the same standards and expectations to a new man they are in a relationship with, maybe trying to control him or react to him the same way or looking for traits in him that their ex had and ultimately being disappointed again. Then they find a new man, and the cycle repeats over and over again until they die. Kind of depressing, huh?
The man who told me this is a man who says he’s done with relationships, and the only relationship he wants now is with his motorcycle. It occurred to me that maybe he feels this way because his loop is that he chooses or attracts women that are in their own destructive loop and, when he can’t pull them out of it, he leaves the relationship. Maybe he sees that the women will never come out of their own loop, or maybe he just gives up easily. Maybe giving up at the first sign of a looping woman is his own way of protecting himself from further hurt and, hence, keeping himself in his own loop.
Maybe women who are in a loop are subconsciously doing it to protect themselves from further disappointment or hurt. Maybe a person loops because it’s an area that they are comfortable in because they know what to expect. If we were to break the loop and step outside of our comfort zone, we wouldn’t know what to expect, and we would be vulnerable.
In the movie The Wedding Date, the totally snappy leading man says, “Every woman has the exact love life she wants.” It kind of makes you wonder, is being in the “loop of failure” where we want our love life to be? Do we want to spin around and around like a hamster on a wheel doing the same thing over and over again and never succeeding? If this man is, in fact, correct about his looping theory, are we all fitting Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity which is defined as “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”?
The man told me that women will say they want someone outgoing and social yet someone that is soft and sensitive. I found it interesting that he found those to be contradicting descriptions, because I don’t view them as such at all. Maybe his loop is coming up with loops in women to protect himself from getting involved and, hence, not breaking his own loop.
If we live our lives in a loop, are we really living our lives? How will we ever break the loop? Do we need to date someone that we are completely unattracted to in order to break the loop? Or should we overlook flaws that irritate us to break the loop? Isn’t that settling? Can we be happy in a long-term relationship that we settle on, or will that leave us feeling unfulfilled?
In the movie Flirting With Forty, the hunky surfer says to Heather Locklear, “You need to step outside of your comfort zone to catch the wave of your life.” Yes, we all want to catch the wave of our life – I mean that’s really what we’re all here for, right? But, man, getting the courage to get there can be as hard as growing out bangs.
An article in the Huffington Post offers three suggestions for stepping outside of your comfort zone or breaking your loop. I think they may be applicable to not only relationships but anything else in life.
1. “To approach new, unfamiliar territory is to give yourself explicit permission to be shaky, unsure, awkward, uncomfortable, uneasy. Instead of being judgmental, be curious.” This is part of the learning process.
2. “If you’re doing something new, please don’t judge that endeavor the same way you’d judge any skill you’ve used frequently.” This is new.
3. “Celebrate every move you make.” This means cheering yourself on at every small step you take outside of your comfort zone. It doesn’t need to be a leap, baby steps are okay.
I’ve recently had a friend break her loop for the first time in the fifteen years I’ve been hanging out with her. She would look for excuses to fall back into her old pattern at every corner, but I offered constant support and encouragement. She’s now in a wonderful relationship with a great guy who loves candy. What could be better?
In summary, life has too many possibilities for you to let it pass you by because you’re in a loop. I hope you all find the courage, in whatever area you want to strive for, to step outside of your comfort zone and catch the wave, job, or love of your life.
If you haven’t read Nine Days In Greece or Risking The Nine Days, break your loop and check them out.