Last week one of my friends asked me to take a look at his friend’s dating profile to see if I could help him out.  My younger brothers can attest to the fact that I have been a fan of makeovers since I learned how to apply makeup and take photos, so I was more than happy to oblige.

The first thing I always look at is a main profile picture.  If the stars all line up, it is a headshot with no hat or sunglasses on, and it’s not blurry.  I was not so lucky to find that in this instance.  What I did find was a photo of a man slouching at a playground, looking away from the camera, and badly in need of a haircut.  Why he thought that was putting his best foot forward with this photograph I may never understand, but I knew I could help him out.

After changing his main profile picture to a blurry headshot – it was the best I had to work with – I had him get rid other pictures except for two, a full body shot on the beach, and a picture of him sitting in a vehicle.

I then attacked the profile.  Although it had some really good points to it, they were lost in the lengthy repetition and lack of spell-check.  To make matters worse, he mentioned his bad sexual experiences in a previous relationship and said what he didn’t want in a person instead of what he did want.

Firstly, I told him that it is completely inappropriate to mention sex to someone before you’ve known them for two months.  Never, ever do it.  Secondly, telling me that you will not barter sex for doing dishes tells me that you’re so bad at it that you have to do dishes and other chores to get it.  It just doesn’t send the kind of message that will bring girls running.

After I rewrote his entire profile for him, eliminating repetition, changing negatives to positives, and correcting the spelling errors after he mentioned how many degrees he had, I told him to cut and paste it.  He responded asking if, instead of mentioning that he likes to go up north, he could say that he wants a woman to go to Jeep-a-ramas with him.  He received a firm no.  He then said he had questions about the “never-evers.”  I told him that I felt that “never-evers” were pretty self-explanatory and to just trust me.

The great news is that this guy made the changes to his online profile and messaged me the next morning saying that he had thirteen new views and two people asked to meet him.  Yahtzee!  I love a good success story!

Now, logic would lead one to think that he would follow this MO with all of his online profiles, but noooo.  He asked me to look at another one, and I of course made the same suggestions.  This profile had clear headshots, and he wore no sunglasses; however, he was shirtless in a way that suggested he might be naked in the pictures.  Naked pictures online is a never-ever.  Unless you’re in your twenties, no one wants to see it.

Since nothing except a seven-ounce Hershey bar makes me happier than a good makeover, in honor of the upcoming holiday of love and in an attempt to make the world a better place, I would like to offer FREE makeovers to online dating profiles.  Just message me the dating site, your user name, and e-mail address.  I’ll take a look at it and make suggestions.  Happy dating!

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